saying au revoir to Facebook

I have decided to withdraw from Facebook; not entirely, as I enjoy being part of the extended Swanwick family and will continue posting there from time to time. The difficulty I have is that although Facebook can be  wonderful, it can also be overwhelming.

There have been occasions in the past two or three years when I’ve reached out, using Facebook, and been given so much help and support it’s been amazing but now things have changed. It’s time I looked for ‘real’ people. I’m one of those annoying old-fashioned types who would much rather have a natter than have to type a conversation, which to me, feels like work. Also words on paper are inflexible. They lack dimension, tone, and often meanings can be lost so for now, I’m stepping away. I hope people understand.

At the moment I’m not doing much in the way of work. I have run into a major problem which has been draining my emotional energy. I don’t want to go into details here  as it’s complicated and involves other people, six of whom are children. I’m typing this wondering why I became involved. Why I find it hard to say no when people need help. Why I can’t be just a tiny bit harder. Why I still can’t put me first. After all, this big problem I’ve been sucked into is not of my making.  I desperately need to talk to somebody about it so I’ve decided to  book a session with a new counsellor.

The first session with the new performance group at Good Neighbours went better than I’d hoped. People seemed to like my panto and there were lots of positive ideas and comments flowing. The man in charge is lovely too. Perfect for the job, IMO. Shame he has no directing experience but he seems to know how to handle people which is half the battle. We’ll muddle through somehow. One developments  I was NOT expecting though – I’ve been cast as Buttons who has the biggest part. I’m, hopeless at learning lines, even lines I wrote myself so I came up with the idea that we play up our amateur status by having our lines on set. That will take the pressure off everyone plus we can milk it for more laughs. At least that’s the plan.

Next week, I start learning the ukulele!

I’m booked on a retreat at Weetwood Hall at the end of the month with the wonderful, Kate Walker.  I can’t express how much I’m looking forward to it. If that doesn’t kick start my writing again, nothing will. Meanwhile, I’ll carry on recirculating stories to different markets to keep the numbers up while I wait for my mojo to come crawling back.  Meanwhile, I’d like to say a huge thank you to all the people who helped me, via Facebook, in the past. It meant a lot to me.

Good enough

Sometimes, the words come but they don’t flow.

I have a basic story which has a decent plot, good characters and so on, but the whole thing lacks what I like to call a spark.  When that happens, I put the story to one side for a few days and usually something occurs to me that will give the story a lift.

I’ve been working on two Valentine’s day stories for a while now. I’ve done the put them to one side thing and came up with an extra twist for one of them but I’m still not one hundred percent happy. Now I have a choice. I can put them away again and see if they look better in a few weeks, or I can send them off as they are. This time I’m going for option two. Valentine’s Day is far enough away so that if Fiction Feast reject them, I still have a chance of a sale elsewhere. In the meantime, that extra something may have occurred to me so that when I tweak for the next magazine, the story will be better.  

There is no moral to this story but it does have a point .Sometimes a story doesn’t need to be great to make a sale - all it has to be is good enough for its target market. 

Later today, I'm going to the first meeting of the new performance group at my local Good Neighbours  in Crossgates. I'm trying not to be anxious about it. Underneath this often cripplingly shy exterior there's a diva struggling to get out!

Writing fiction is easy.

Writing fiction is easy.

I chose that title to make people think because writing fiction IS easy. What’s difficult is writing good fiction or fiction that will be accepted by your chosen market. That’s the hard bit.

I’m not writing well at the moment which is, frankly, odd. My big romance has mutated into a friendship which is fine by me, and my social calendar is becoming busier. I should therefore be in a better place, as regards writing, than I’ve been in for a long long time yet my writing has lost its zing. I’m not  sure why. It could simply because I haven’t been doing very much story writing recently. It could be that since my ex started seeing a woman he met on match.com,  my single woman status has been brought home to me rather more. Something else which may have caused the problem is what I call my emotional tank. When it’s full up to overflowing, there’ s not always room for anything else. Getting emotion into a story so that the reader cares what happens, is for me, the key to a good story but in order to tap into that, I need room in my tank. When I was down and depressed, I was too full of misery, then when I fell in love, I was too full of love. I’m hoping that now things have simmered down, I will soon get back to normal.

Something I AM sure about is this; I have to keep writing and someday, my mojo will come back with a vengeance. 

In case you're wondering about John's daughter, she's staying with him until she can find somewhere else. I have no idea how long that's going to take. I just hope he can hold it together. 

On the successes front, I sold a story to Fiction Feast this week and I also  have a story in their  latest (October) edition.

As always, if anyone wants to ask me a writing related question, I can be reached by email on kinghenryfan@yahoo.co.uk  

it's lucky I did

Part of my resolve to get my life back on track – i.e. have more fun, make new friends, and not work as much- means that I’ve been cutting out things that I don’t enjoy. Near the top of that list were manuscript evening at Leeds Writers Circle which I find D-U-L-L, dull. Monday was the first meeting of the new session so subs were due. I could have sent mine in by cheque (I want to remain a member so that I can go to workshops, enter comps, go to socials etc) but in the end decided to make the effort and go to the first meeting.

It’s lucky I did.

As I was walking through Leeds station, somebody called my name. It was my ex’s daughter, looking very upset and distressed. I’m not going into details here but in essence she’d been kicked out of her home and had nowhere to go except an address in Devon, hundreds of miles from her children. She'd fallen out with John (again), about six months ago and they hadn’t been speaking. I persuaded her to give him a call  and the upshot is, she’s staying with him until she can sort something out.  Basically it’s a big ugly mess but at least now she’ll be closer to hand.

Again as part of my new regime, I went to an all female singing group on Monday to see if it might suit. It didn’t . I was the youngest by miles (the conversation was all illnesses funerals and great/grandchildren, plus the music wasn’t to my taste. Most of it was very religious and frankly, dull. Also, my voice is quite deep. When I can, I sing tenor (they get the best tunes), and having to sing alto wasn’t much fun. In one piece of music, the altos were expected to reach top F!

I’m now considering whether to join the choral society or not. I might see how the Spice events pan out first.

What’s all this got to do with writing? Absolutely nothing which equates to the amount of work I’m doing right now. I WILL get back into it, but at the moment, I’m busy moving furniture (again) ready for my new bed which arrives later this week. I’d been using the front bedroom, also the largest, for guests and for painting but found that sitting in the window put me off as I felt too exposed. For me, painting is a private activity so I’ve made room in the dining room instead. As I rarely have dinner guests other than my ex, that seems to make sense. Whether it works out or not, time will tell. 

I do have some writing news, now I remember. The panto I wrote for a local charity is going to be messed around with by all and sundry. At first I felt annoyed about this, especially when people wanted a more dramatic ending (it’s a panto, not a play) but now I’ve decided to go with the flow. It didn’t take long to write, and if it turns out to be a massive flop, at least I won’t have to have my name on the front!

Love hurts

I said when I started blogging again that I was going to avoid personal stuff, well, like any rule there are times when they get broken.

Something happened to me recently that I feel the need to share.  I began a relationship with a much younger man, somebody I’d known for a few years. I fell hook line and sinker and found it very  hard to handle the emotions I was feeling. I spent most of my life emotionally turned off. I'll give you an  example. I never lost my temper, not once, not even as a teenager, until I reached the age of 48. When I DID lose it, it was like being blown apart by a volcano. That’s exactly how I felt when I fell for this young man - out of control.

Now it’s over. He didn’t want a relationship, which meant he didn’t want to go anywhere with me, and I didn’t want to feel like a guilty secret. The plan now is to go back to just being friends.

Why am I telling you this? Because I had to make a choice. I could have vowed never to see him ever again. I could have said bad things, made accusations, and told myself I hated him. I could have vowed never to risk falling for anyone again because of the pain and distress this dalliance has caused me but I’m not going to do that. Instead I’m going to look for the positives. 

A tall, VERY good looking man,  found me attractive even though I’m 21 years older than he is.  

 It had been a LONG time since I’d been physically close to anyone which was very scary. I know now I can cope. 

He brought the music back into my life as well as introducing me to guitar hero on PS3!

Being unable to eat meant I also lost a lot of weight. As a result, I’m within two pounds of the weight I was when I was in my thirties.

In short, spending time with him has made me feel so much more confident and attractive. With any luck that will help me to meet somebody else.

The other upside of the pain and the tears has been having my ex to lean on. Over the past few days while I’ve been bawling my eyes out, he’s spent time with me, even staying in my spare room for two nights. I don’t know how I would have coped without him so I wanted to acknowledge that publicly.

Love hurts. It can make you bitter. It can put you off getting involved again. I’m not going to let that happen to me. I learned a three word mantra a while ago. It goes like this – risk, share, trust, and that’s what I intend to keep doing.

I apologise for sharing this and will get back to talking about writing soon.