Emotional overload

Until I married my fourth husband (the oft mentioned John) in 1999, I had NEVER lost my temper. Not once, not even a tiny bit.  When the marriage floundered, after a couple of years, I suddenly found my anger. It erupted out of me like a volcano,  violent, destructive and very scary, not just for John but for me too as I had no idea how to control it. I raged, threw things, even hurt John once or twice as I struggled to understand what was going on. It took a while but I learned how to handle my anger. These days, I don’t erupt. I can take a step away, think rationally, calm down. I still get cross, but it doesn’t last long and I don’t lose control.

I think I’m having the same problem with other emotions. For most of my life I lived a half life, keeping quiet, accepting things as they were. I was depressed but didn’t know or even care. Now, as I start to come to life again, I realise that I am like a child, having to learn about love and jealousy, sadness and joy.  I think that’s why when I fell for Richard, I fell so hard. I didn’t know how to handle the strength of my feelings for him. At the moment I’m finding it all very difficult. A careless word can hurt me far more than it should.

Right now I’m struggling with being rejected by John’s family. Everything seems to have worked out for them which is great. What hurts me is that I only know this because I saw something on facebook. Since she moved back home, they are refusing to respond to calls or texts. It doesn’t make sense but that’s the way it is. What I have to do is stop fretting about it and move on. It does b****y hurt though.

On the plus side, all these new emotions and feelings should help my writing, if only I could make up my mind what I want to write next….  

The ups and downs of a writer's life

The truth is, I’m struggling.  I probably always will. I simply don’t know what I want out of life and it is, as they say, doing my head in.

I’ve been in contact with several men over the past few weeks, thanks to Two’s Company but so far, only actually met one. He was nice enough but sadly rather dull. The rest have fallen before even reaching the first hurdle. It’s made it very clear to me that it’s not just ladies who are scared to take the risks involved in starting new relationships.  It’s all very enlightening but at the same time, very frustrating but there’s not a  lot I can do about it.

When I’m feeling positive, I simply say, onward and upward, and try again, but when I’m feeling down, I consider battening down the hatches and becoming a hermit. That way nobody can hurt me, but it also means turning my back on any kind of fulfilling relationship. Recently, I’ve been dithering over what to do for Christmas. I went away with my ex last year and thanks to the weather, had a good time, but it did feel like running away. So I might brazen it out this year, or I might change my mind at the last minute and book a hol. Who knows. I certainly don’t.

I have done very well this year as regards short story sales but even there, I’m not sure what I want to do from now on. I’ve written so many stories, maybe it’s time for a change, but how do you get off a treadmill that pays the bills?

I’m meant to be using November to write something else, e.g. a book. I have started one, but at the moment, my heart isn’t in it.

At my last therapy session, I told the lady that almost all the writers I know of have a ‘significant other’ in their lives. Somebody to encourage, listen, offer sympathy and so on. I told her how hard it is at times when you don’t have that positive influence in your life. She basically told me to get over it, that thousands of people have no-one and that if I needed encouragement I’d have to find a way to provide it myself. Easier said than done, even though I know she’s right.

I have been painting quite a lot recently as it gives me pleasure. The question now is what to do with the results. I’m working on a picture of David Tennant so it’s highly unlikely he’s going to want to buy it from me. I can’t even give it to him. 

I’m still finding that if I HAVE to do a painting, i.e. somebody asks me for one, I tense up and the results aren’t good.  I need to get over  myself, and soon, or those hedges will go back up and I will end up getting two or three dogs and never be seen in public again….

Life is a rollercoaster

For the past few weeks, I’ve felt as though I’ve been riding a carousel, round and round, up and down. I filled up my diary with all kinds of things and maybe, just maybe, went a bit too far. I’m now trying to slow down a bit so I can squeeze in some more work.  Of course, that means something will have to go to make room so I might drop the ukulele. If I do, my fingers will be happy as holding down the strings is actually rather painful, especially when you have soft, writer’s hands.

Work is going well, sales wise at least. Compared to last year when I sold 20 stories, mainly to markets that paid less, this year so far, I’ve sold 38 almost all to my best markets. Last year I was secretary of Leeds Writers and a tutor for The Writers’ Bureau. I was also working too many hours. Now I’ve dropped LWC and WB, AND I’m only working part time. Sometimes quantity doesn’t equate to quality. Of course, I’m very aware that until I replace the stories I’ve sold with new ones, I can’t expect many sales in the next few months but I can live with that. The important thing for me right now is to find some kind of balance between work and leisure.  I also want to meet new people.

To which end, I placed an ad in Two’s Company (Lonely Hearts). I’ve been in contact with a number of men as a result. This has taught me a valuable lesson. There are lots of men out there who are down, fed up, or disillusioned with women, and who are as nervous about meeting new people as I am. 

I know that some of the people I meet will be dreadful, or boring, or downright odd, (they might well think that about me, too!) but it’s worth the risk. I may need to meet a few toads before I get to Prince Charming.  Talking of Prince Charming, the panto I wrote a while back is now being rehearsed. Somebody’s dropped out so if it does go ahead, guess who gets to play the Prince?

Keeping busy

I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to blog. Since my all too brief fling came to an end, I’ve been filling my days in order to avoid feeling miserable  I’m over the worst now, thank goodness, which means I need to get back to some serious work.

Norah McGrath of Fiction Feast fame came to my rescue two days ago when she emailed asking if I had any one page stories with twist endings, and if so , could I email them to her. Whenever an editor asks me for anything, I jump. I sent her three the next day, and another last night, which just goes to show what can be achieved when you focus.

I’m hoping to partake in NaNoWriMo so I only have what’s left of October to get my story numbers back up. I’m happily surprised at how much better I’ve been doing this year compared to 2013. It proves how far I’ve come on my road to recovery.

I’ve booked a four day break with National Holidays to Devon at the end of the month. The idea being that the break and the sae air will give me an energy boost in readiness to get on with a  novel.

Today, Friday, is now an art day, with a group in the morning and volunteer session in the afternoon. I didn’t get much done at either as I spent too much time chatting. Had a lovely conversation about the Crucible this afternoon which was great as I missed the second half of the play  when I went to see it.

On a personal note. I have had some responses to my ad in Two’s Company (lonely hearts) but so far haven’t actually managed to meet up with anyone. More news, as and when it happens, and if nothing does happen, there’ll be a story in it somewhere.

Tomorrow afternoon, I’m at the Light, Headrow, Leeds, from 12 – 3, vigilating an art exhibition for Arts And Minds. I have two paintings in the exhibition ( a portrait of a lion and one of a  Maine Coon), the first time I’ve ever been able to say that. They’re for sale too and I’ll be thrilled if either of them finds a buyer.  If you’re in Leeds, why not pop by and say hello?

I’m planning on take a notepad and some ideas with me so that if it’s quiet, I can do some work. I used to think that I could only write in the mornings. Now I know that if I really want to, I can write any place, any time.  Maybe I can come up with some more one page twist stories….

Sometimes being ill is OK.

I have a heavy cold and deep, chesty cough. I have locked myself away, hoping it will shift soon as I have a lot on later in the week. The strange thing is that I feel better than I have in a long time.

There have been some major shifts in my thinking recently.  For the first time in my life I’ve been looking at relationships sensibly. This is hard for me to explain but before I’ve felt it was my responsibility to make other people happy.  Often that meant I had friends and relationships where I was the one doing most of the giving while they took.  When those relationships hit rocky patches, I did everything I could to patch them up.  I’ve also felt I needed to ‘buy’ friends. I don’t literally mean with money, at least not all the time, but the way my thinking worked went something like this – I need to make sure they’re getting something from this.. It never occurred to me that anyone might want to spend time with me simply because they LIKED me.  The problem was that I didn’t like myself. Now, at last, finally, I get it. I don’t need everyone to like me. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to put up with relationships of any kind that aren’t working for me.  

Right now, I have a huge hole in my heart. I’ve lost a lover, and some people I thought of as good friends. It was hard letting them go, so hard, I’m still hurting, but it had to be done.  

Someday soon, new people will come along, people who will help to fill that void. I have to say I can hardly wait. 

The photo is  one I sent to Amateur Gardening in exchange for a £10 garden token. 

Back to writing now. This morning I sold THREE Christmas stories to my nest market – Fiction Feast – which keeps my record of selling at least one Xmas a story a year intact.

I’d like to tell you about one of them in particular. It came about thanks to a Writers News/Writing Mag competition with a Christmas theme. I’ve wanted to win one of their competitions for years but once again, instead of entering the comp, where the prize was at most  £200,  I sent it to Fiction Feast where the rewards are greater.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the best thing to do. A win in Writers News would raise my profile, wouldn’t it? But as a working writer, I need to make sure I’m getting the biggest reward available. It’s a shame, but there it is.  

 I’ve had an amazing run of sales recently which is great as it gives me a breathing space. I know I need to write some new stories to make up the numbers but the money from all those sales takes the pressure off. Who knows, I might actually allow myself to do the write a novel in a month thing come November.

I’m not saying it’s a plan though…..