Risk share trust

A while ago, a friend, who happens to be a very good poet, taught me to bear these three words in mind as I live my life – risk, share trust. I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I’ve been on a few dates with people I’ve made contact with via the internet or ads in the paper. This involves all three things. Trust that they will turn up, and that they will be something like their description, both in appearance and behaviour; share comes into this as people advise not to share too much too soon.  The danger here is that they do that too and after a while you find out that they have major problems of one kind or another.  Then there’s risk. It’s risky meeting new people. On the one hand, there’s a miniscule chance they may be dangerous. On the other hand, they may break your hurt, causing you pain. I know of many women who, having been let down/hurt/ etc simply don’t take the risk.

For me, risk is an essential part of life. We take risks all the time. Even if I never left the house, I could still fall down the stairs. There are so many ways we can hurt ourselves. Pain is, sadly, part of life. Joy is too. I believe that it’s vital to take a few risks or our worlds can shrink and die. At the same time, it’s important to weigh things up. For example, today is officially my day off. I should be going to the new art class, then the choral society, but I’m not going. The risk of falling over, the pavements are treacherous, outweighs the benefits of going. If I’m honest, which I always am, I  am not enjoying either group as much as I’d hoped. In the art class, I was hoping for more tuition, or demonstrations, just watching somebody paint who knows what they’re doing would be helpful right now. I’m not overjoyed with the subject matter either – landscapes. Scenes don’t turn me on the way that living things do.  Then there’s the choral society. I want to sing.  I love to sing. I don’t want to sit and listen to the other sections go over the same piece, time and time again. 

I sing tenor whenever I have the option.  It’s less of a strain than alto, plus the tenors get the tunes while the altos often get stuck with harmony. The trouble is the tenors are the best section in the choral society which means that we get to sing our bit once, maybe twice. The end result is that we actually only get to sing for a a few minutes in every rehearsal, mainly in the warm up

I am wondering whether I want to go to either of these groups, snow or no snow.  A while ago, I would have felt duty bound. I have, after all, paid a membership fee; not going would be a waste of money.  These days I take a different view. If I’m not getting anything out of going, I’m better off finding something else to do, whether that means I lose money or not.

So, today, on my ‘day off’ I will play it by ear. I may work on a story or two. I may sort out various cupboards having, yesterday, moved furniture, AGAIN. I now have the back room arranged as a sitting/reading/ painting/dining/writing/listening to music or radio room. I’m hoping that means I’ll be able to break the habit of sitting in the front room everything night I stay in, watching TV and eating rubbish out of boredom. I’ll have to see how that goes.

I’m taking risks with my writing too. I am now working on a book with no expectation that it will be successful. I am writing it because I’ve been wanting to write it for years and somehow couldn’t allow myself to ‘give it a go’ as that meant taking a break from writing short stories, which is how I make my living. I’m also toying with the idea of entering more competitions, which again means stepping outside my comfort zone. I attended a workshop on Saturday which looked at non-linear narratives (translated means telling a story in the wrong order). It gave me food for thought which is always good. If I know one thing about writing it’s this – there are always things to learn.

Making plans

OK, I admit it. I find working from home hard. I get lonely  and I’m so easily distracted. It’s so different from going out to work when there’s a boss with a beady eye, checking up on you.  

I have tried all kinds of things including various different kinds of timetables from fixed to flexible ones. It seems that however much I plan to do things, it doesn’t work.

Recently, a friend said this - while people plan, God laughs. That made me smile. It also made me think. We can’t change the past and we have no guarantee of anything in the future.  That means that going with the flow makes a lot of sense. So from now on, no plans, at least not as far as work goes.

Of course, some plans are impossible to avoid. If I don’t plan a holiday, i.e. book it, I might not get to go away. I HAVE actually booked something. A week’s cruise, starting in Corfu, and ending with a week’s stay on the island. I am taking my ex because he turns 70 this year and because I’m a big coward and can’t quite face the thought of a big ship on my own.  

I had planned (there’s that word again) to go on several holidays this year as it’s the year I reach the big 60 but that’s looking less likely. My passport expires in Jan 2016 so I will need to renew it.  Do I send it off now and worry in case it doesn’t get done in time (my cruise isn’t for months yet but there HAVE been delays….) or wait until I get back? I am useless at making decisions of all kinds!

I am keeping a brief note of what I do, workwise, each day (when I remember). So far this month (it’s the (16^th ) I have finished three new stories and sent another 20 to various magazines after tweaks or rewrites. I’m quite happy with that as I’ve been a bit lazy recently thanks to Christmas, New Year and the winter weather making me feel more like hibernating than anything else.  It’s good to see, in balck and white, that I have done SOME work.

I am still not writing the books but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am going into town on Monday afternoon to spend two or three hours with my hypnotherapist but NOT for a session. We’re going to meet as friends so that we can  work on our books together. I think it’s a brilliant idea. Of course whether it actually happens  depends on the weather. If it snows, I’ll be staying home (we all know what happens when I make a plan….)

Leaving writing for a moment.  A quick update on other stuff. I have been back to the gym for another  session and am now considering actually joining. I have also started a new, ten week, art class. Also Heydays  and the choral society have started up again after the Christmas break.  I am determined to try other groups and go to new places as soon as the weather improves.

Headline news. I have given up looking for love. I figure it either arrives or it doesn’t. As a result,  I have left Two’s Company and the Times dating site. (I am still on Match.com but only because the *****s renewed my subscription before I remembered to cancel it. Be warned!).  

What happened to 2014?

It’s the end of another year. 

It’s true what they say – the older you get, the faster the years flash past. At least that means the winter won’t be around too long.

For the last twelve months I’ve heaved everything I can at the depression that’s kept me flattened and fearful for most of my life. The results have been patchy to say the least. I have come to the realisation that from now on it’s up to me. I’ve studied all I can, learned a lot of lessons but nothing will change until I put things into practice. For the first time since 2009 when I gave up chocolates and chocolate bars, I am making a whole list of resolutions.  I was able to give up chocolate, just like that 9although I still miss it!). Hopefully I can give up some of my other bad habits just as easily, simply by making a promise to myself. It’s worth a try.

I am also going to keep a record of the work I do – number of new stories written, number of stories subbed, comps entered, as well as a word count on the various books I have under way. Again, I hope that seeing it written down in black and white will give me that much needed nudge. If I don’t have anyone in my life to give me encouragement (my ex doesn’t read my stories) then I have to find a way to encourage myself. It’s that simple.

I have signed off the dating sites I was on as, mostly, it was a waste of time. I have also given up all volunteering for the foreseeable future. I want to see if being free to do as I want, when I want, will help me to achieve more.

Sales-wise, it was a good year, (47 sales) far better than 2013 when I only sold 20 stories, mainly to markets that paid £100 or less. Of course, that means that I need to write dozens of new stories if I want to repeat that feat. That’s why I don’t find time to write the books I want to write, or at least that’s the excuse I keep coming up with. In my heart I know that’s rubbish. When I’m motivated, the words flow so fast, I can hardly keep up. My imagination is back to full strength, thank goodness, so the ideas are flowing too. All I have to do is get the balance right between work and the rest of my life.

Highlights of 2014. Swanwick.  I chose not to run a course so it was even more fun than usual. I also got to meet Shirley Blair, of the People’s Friend.

Dirty Dancing at the Grand Theatre.

My ill-fated fling with a much younger man that taught me so many important lessons.

Getting my weight down to less than eleven stone.

ITALY. Having hesitated for so long, I managed to get away, abroad, on my own. It was A M A Z I N G and I plan to go again in 2015. Probably to Lake Como, or Florence.

Writing my first ever short  panto. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but I did.

I will end with these thoughts. Remember to count your blessings. Try to live in the present. Be grateful for the things you have rather than longing for the things you don’t have.  

Have a wonderful, happy and healthy 2015.

Bah, humbug.

I find Christmas hard.

Everyone is talking about buying pressies, where they are spending the holidays,  and how many people they will be catering for. I try not to let it get me down but it doesn’t quite work. Each time I hear on eof those conversations, I am reminded of what I’m missing out on. That said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’ll just have to grin and bear it. I’m using jigsaws and baking to help me cope. I love baking, trying new recipes and so on. And of course, I love to eat the results. When I’ve posted this, I’ll be making a posh bread and butter pudding, wheat free of course.

I have invited my ex round for food, again. I wish I didn’t have to lean on him quite so much but there it is. Besides, he’s more than happy to eat my food. I’m a much better cook than he is (in case you’re wondering, he’d agree with that).

Although I’ve hardly written anything new, work on the novel(s) is progressing. I now know there are at least two books and the bare bones of what will happen in book one.  I also know the title and the overall focus of book two. I think there may well end up being a series of books as I know from previous experience (when I wrote articles about tropical fish), that once I start a project, more ideas will come into my head.  What I need to make sure of is that I have enough for Book One and that it can stand alone.

I still have some thing sot figure out before I can take off the brakes and get scribbling. Having to plan things out, even if just sketchily, is new to me. With a short story, I can simply see what happens but in a book, that’s not quite so easy as everything has to link up and make sense. For example, I can’t kill off a character in the first book if I find I need them later.

Over the past year, I have been letting go of various things - jobs, such as Secretary of Leeds Writers and tutoring for the Writers Bureau,  and membership of groups, such as LWC and the cryptic crossworders . I am now finishing off that process by stopping doing any voluntary work for at least a year.  I have very much enjoyed helping out on Friday afternoons at the local Good Neighbours Art group but in 2015, I want to take a year out, which means plenty of holidays, going to new groups and trying different events and activities. For that, I don’t want anything in my diary that I can’t get out of without letting people down. This has been a very hard decision to make. It leaves me feeling pretty much redundant with no role or purpose in life but something tells me I need to do this. Time will tell if it’s the right decision.

So what about Christmas? I have bought DVD sets and invited my ex to stay. There will be plenty of good food and drink. What more could anyone ask for?

I wish anybody reading this 9and everybody else for that matter) good luck, health and happiness in the coming New Year.  

At last - I'm ready to write more books

For quite a while (years), I’ve wanted to write longer pieces of fiction – serials and novels – but so far, only actually managed to complete one (it’s available on Amazon but I’m not asking you to buy it).   

That particular experience was so painful that it rather put me off having another go. Then, to complicate matters, I found that I was actually rather good at writing short stories and that I could make a living doing that. Ever since, I’ve found it hard to step off the short story writing treadmill. The reason was pure and simple. I make a living writing stories. If I take time out to write a book or a serial, they might not find homes and I would be out of pocket (writing is my main source of income and will be until I get my pension which, from the way the entitlement age keeps going up, may never happen).  

Last year I was ill with depression, and still struggling to come to terms with various personal problems. I sold 20 stories, mainly to poorer paying markets, which translated means  those that pay less  than £100 for a story.  This year I tried an experiment. What if I worked part time? Would less writing result in better quality? 

Amazingly it worked. To date, and I don’t’ expect to sell any more this year, I have sold 44 stories, the vast majority to the better paying markets which means my income tripled and my work load was more than halved, leaving me more time to enjoy life (currently I have four Christmas stories out in Take a Break mags (F Feast and the Winter special) as well as a longer story in Woman's Weekly Fiction Special.

I recently had a course of hypnotherapy, in what felt like a last ditch attempt to shift various blocks that were holding me back (if you’re near Leeds and want Daniel’s contact information, do get in touch). My last session was yesterday. Of course, it’s too soon to say; the proof being in the pudding as they say but I have finally figured out a way to do everything I want to do and still have time to spare.

I have made a timetable game. The board divides each day into 3 blocks, morning afternoon and evening, each around three hours long. Regular commitments have been blocked out. There are six counters - three marked S for stories, three marked B for book – which can be moved around the board. The idea is that when a block of work is achieved, that counter is turned over, revealing a black square. At the end of each week, a tally will be kept of how many counters were successfully turned over. This will be linked to some kind of reward system (not decided as yet), I might even discover that I have to introduce a penalty system.  The beauty is that it makes writing books look easy. If I wrote 500 words an hour, in one three hour block that comes to 1500 words, multiplied by three blocks for one week gives 4500 words. After just ten weeks, that’s 45000 words, which would mean that I’d have the first draft of a 90000 word novel in twenty weeks.  How easy is that? Of course, I’d then have to edit it and so on, but breaking it up into smaller steps makes it seem so much less daunting. 

The photo shows the rough trial version. If it goes well, I will produce something sturdier. 

I will post progress reports as I go along.

I just want to finish my wishing everyone a peaceful, happy and healthy Christmas, full of love and good cheer. I’ve neglected so many people in recent years, I can only apologise. I will try to do better in 2015 but if I fail again, please forgive me. I’m doing my best.  Remember, Christmas is a stime to get in touch with friends and family, people you’ve lost contact with or had a falling out with. Send them a card. Put your phone number inside. Build a bridge or two.

Happy holidays.