I said when I started blogging again that I was going to avoid personal stuff, well, like any rule there are times when they get broken.
Something happened to me recently that I feel the need to share. I began a relationship with a much younger man, somebody I’d known for a few years. I fell hook line and sinker and found it very hard to handle the emotions I was feeling. I spent most of my life emotionally turned off. I'll give you an example. I never lost my temper, not once, not even as a teenager, until I reached the age of 48. When I DID lose it, it was like being blown apart by a volcano. That’s exactly how I felt when I fell for this young man - out of control.
Now it’s over. He didn’t want a relationship, which meant he didn’t want to go anywhere with me, and I didn’t want to feel like a guilty secret. The plan now is to go back to just being friends.
Why am I telling you this? Because I had to make a choice. I could have vowed never to see him ever again. I could have said bad things, made accusations, and told myself I hated him. I could have vowed never to risk falling for anyone again because of the pain and distress this dalliance has caused me but I’m not going to do that. Instead I’m going to look for the positives.
A tall, VERY good looking man, found me attractive even though I’m 21 years older than he is.
It had been a LONG time since I’d been physically close to anyone which was very scary. I know now I can cope.
He brought the music back into my life as well as introducing me to guitar hero on PS3!
Being unable to eat meant I also lost a lot of weight. As a result, I’m within two pounds of the weight I was when I was in my thirties.
In short, spending time with him has made me feel so much more confident and attractive. With any luck that will help me to meet somebody else.
The other upside of the pain and the tears has been having my ex to lean on. Over the past few days while I’ve been bawling my eyes out, he’s spent time with me, even staying in my spare room for two nights. I don’t know how I would have coped without him so I wanted to acknowledge that publicly.
Love hurts. It can make you bitter. It can put you off getting involved again. I’m not going to let that happen to me. I learned a three word mantra a while ago. It goes like this – risk, share, trust, and that’s what I intend to keep doing.
I apologise for sharing this and will get back to talking about writing soon.