Friday, 13 February 2015


I have been struggling. Again. 
I am so tired of feeling like this and I expect everyone who reads this is tired too. The fact is, I’m doing the best I can. I KNOW  what I need to do, all I have to do, is do it.
I’m hoping that the winter is behind my sadness and lack of motivation and that once the long dark evenings have shortened, I’ll feel more tempted to get out and about as I know that’s what I need to do.
Writing wise, things are far too quiet. When I don’t sell stories, I lose faith which affects my confidence which dampens my mood which flattens my writing so that my stories aren’t as saleable. It’s a vicious circle.  Sometimes I wish I had another source of income but as the retirement age keeps going up, that’s not going to happen any time soon.
There are good signs though. I am learning that having fun and making a mess is allowed.  Even better news - in just over a week’s time, I’m going down to Leicester to see the man who did such great work for me back in 2008. Before seeing him, I couldn’t have led a workshop or given a talk. After seeing him, I had the courage to appear on TV.
I’ve tried other hypnotherapists since but they haven’t worked as well as I’d hoped. Like the fool that I am, I resisted going back to see Steve as he’s so far away and it’s expensive to get there, etc etc. Instead I’ve spent a small fortune on other therapies.
As regards this blog, I don’t want to get back on the depression band wagon so until I have something positive to say, I will be taking another break, so bye for now. If you need to get in touch, my email address is 
I'm enjoying painting again so will end by showing you  a couple of my paintings. One is a bonobo, the other is a Maine Coon which I'm working on at the moment.

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Risk share trust

A while ago, a friend, who happens to be a very good poet, taught me to bear these three words in mind as I live my life – risk, share trust. I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I’ve been on a few dates with people I’ve made contact with via the internet or ads in the paper. This involves all three things. Trust that they will turn up, and that they will be something like their description, both in appearance and behaviour; share comes into this as people advise not to share too much too soon.  The danger here is that they do that too and after a while you find out that they have major problems of one kind or another.  Then there’s risk. It’s risky meeting new people. On the one hand, there’s a miniscule chance they may be dangerous. On the other hand, they may break your hurt, causing you pain. I know of many women who, having been let down/hurt/ etc simply don’t take the risk.
For me, risk is an essential part of life. We take risks all the time. Even if I never left the house, I could still fall down the stairs. There are so many ways we can hurt ourselves. Pain is, sadly, part of life. Joy is too. I believe that it’s vital to take a few risks or our worlds can shrink and die. At the same time, it’s important to weigh things up. For example, today is officially my day off. I should be going to the new art class, then the choral society, but I’m not going. The risk of falling over, the pavements are treacherous, outweighs the benefits of going. If I’m honest, which I always am, I  am not enjoying either group as much as I’d hoped. In the art class, I was hoping for more tuition, or demonstrations, just watching somebody paint who knows what they’re doing would be helpful right now. I’m not overjoyed with the subject matter either – landscapes. Scenes don’t turn me on the way that living things do.  Then there’s the choral society. I want to sing.  I love to sing. I don’t want to sit and listen to the other sections go over the same piece, time and time again. 
I sing tenor whenever I have the option.  It’s less of a strain than alto, plus the tenors get the tunes while the altos often get stuck with harmony. The trouble is the tenors are the best section in the choral society which means that we get to sing our bit once, maybe twice. The end result is that we actually only get to sing for a a few minutes in every rehearsal, mainly in the warm up
I am wondering whether I want to go to either of these groups, snow or no snow.  A while ago, I would have felt duty bound. I have, after all, paid a membership fee; not going would be a waste of money.  These days I take a different view. If I’m not getting anything out of going, I’m better off finding something else to do, whether that means I lose money or not.
So, today, on my ‘day off’ I will play it by ear. I may work on a story or two. I may sort out various cupboards having, yesterday, moved furniture, AGAIN. I now have the back room arranged as a sitting/reading/ painting/dining/writing/listening to music or radio room. I’m hoping that means I’ll be able to break the habit of sitting in the front room everything night I stay in, watching TV and eating rubbish out of boredom. I’ll have to see how that goes.
I’m taking risks with my writing too. I am now working on a book with no expectation that it will be successful. I am writing it because I’ve been wanting to write it for years and somehow couldn’t allow myself to ‘give it a go’ as that meant taking a break from writing short stories, which is how I make my living. I’m also toying with the idea of entering more competitions, which again means stepping outside my comfort zone. I attended a workshop on Saturday which looked at non-linear narratives (translated means telling a story in the wrong order). It gave me food for thought which is always good. If I know one thing about writing it’s this – there are always things to learn.

Friday, 16 January 2015

Making plans

OK, I admit it. I find working from home hard. I get lonely  and I’m so easily distracted. It’s so different from going out to work when there’s a boss with a beady eye, checking up on you.  
I have tried all kinds of things including various different kinds of timetables from fixed to flexible ones. It seems that however much I plan to do things, it doesn’t work.
Recently, a friend said this - while people plan, God laughs. That made me smile. It also made me think. We can’t change the past and we have no guarantee of anything in the future.  That means that going with the flow makes a lot of sense. So from now on, no plans, at least not as far as work goes.
Of course, some plans are impossible to avoid. If I don’t plan a holiday, i.e. book it, I might not get to go away. I HAVE actually booked something. A week’s cruise, starting in Corfu, and ending with a week’s stay on the island. I am taking my ex because he turns 70 this year and because I’m a big coward and can’t quite face the thought of a big ship on my own.  
I had planned (there’s that word again) to go on several holidays this year as it’s the year I reach the big 60 but that’s looking less likely. My passport expires in Jan 2016 so I will need to renew it.  Do I send it off now and worry in case it doesn’t get done in time (my cruise isn’t for months yet but there HAVE been delays….) or wait until I get back? I am useless at making decisions of all kinds!
I am keeping a brief note of what I do, workwise, each day (when I remember). So far this month (it’s the (16th ) I have finished three new stories and sent another 20 to various magazines after tweaks or rewrites. I’m quite happy with that as I’ve been a bit lazy recently thanks to Christmas, New Year and the winter weather making me feel more like hibernating than anything else.  It’s good to see, in balck and white, that I have done SOME work.
I am still not writing the books but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am going into town on Monday afternoon to spend two or three hours with my hypnotherapist but NOT for a session. We’re going to meet as friends so that we can  work on our books together. I think it’s a brilliant idea. Of course whether it actually happens  depends on the weather. If it snows, I’ll be staying home (we all know what happens when I make a plan….)
Leaving writing for a moment.  A quick update on other stuff. I have been back to the gym for another  session and am now considering actually joining. I have also started a new, ten week, art class. Also Heydays  and the choral society have started up again after the Christmas break.  I am determined to try other groups and go to new places as soon as the weather improves.
Headline news. I have given up looking for love. I figure it either arrives or it doesn’t. As a result,  I have left Two’s Company and the Times dating site. (I am still on but only because the *****s renewed my subscription before I remembered to cancel it. Be warned!).