Until I married my fourth husband (the oft mentioned John) in 1999, I had NEVER lost my temper. Not once, not even a tiny bit. When the marriage floundered, after a couple of years, I suddenly found my anger. It erupted out of me like a volcano, violent, destructive and very scary, not just for John but for me too as I had no idea how to control it. I raged, threw things, even hurt John once or twice as I struggled to understand what was going on. It took a while but I learned how to handle my anger. These days, I don’t erupt. I can take a step away, think rationally, calm down. I still get cross, but it doesn’t last long and I don’t lose control.
I think I’m having the same problem with other emotions. For most of my life I lived a half life, keeping quiet, accepting things as they were. I was depressed but didn’t know or even care. Now, as I start to come to life again, I realise that I am like a child, having to learn about love and jealousy, sadness and joy. I think that’s why when I fell for Richard, I fell so hard. I didn’t know how to handle the strength of my feelings for him. At the moment I’m finding it all very difficult. A careless word can hurt me far more than it should.
Right now I’m struggling with being rejected by John’s family. Everything seems to have worked out for them which is great. What hurts me is that I only know this because I saw something on facebook. Since she moved back home, they are refusing to respond to calls or texts. It doesn’t make sense but that’s the way it is. What I have to do is stop fretting about it and move on. It does b****y hurt though.
On the plus side, all these new emotions and feelings should help my writing, if only I could make up my mind what I want to write next….