The truth is, I’m struggling. I probably always will. I simply don’t know what I want out of life and it is, as they say, doing my head in.
I’ve been in contact with several men over the past few weeks, thanks to Two’s Company but so far, only actually met one. He was nice enough but sadly rather dull. The rest have fallen before even reaching the first hurdle. It’s made it very clear to me that it’s not just ladies who are scared to take the risks involved in starting new relationships. It’s all very enlightening but at the same time, very frustrating but there’s not a lot I can do about it.
When I’m feeling positive, I simply say, onward and upward, and try again, but when I’m feeling down, I consider battening down the hatches and becoming a hermit. That way nobody can hurt me, but it also means turning my back on any kind of fulfilling relationship. Recently, I’ve been dithering over what to do for Christmas. I went away with my ex last year and thanks to the weather, had a good time, but it did feel like running away. So I might brazen it out this year, or I might change my mind at the last minute and book a hol. Who knows. I certainly don’t.
I have done very well this year as regards short story sales but even there, I’m not sure what I want to do from now on. I’ve written so many stories, maybe it’s time for a change, but how do you get off a treadmill that pays the bills?
I’m meant to be using November to write something else, e.g. a book. I have started one, but at the moment, my heart isn’t in it.
At my last therapy session, I told the lady that almost all the writers I know of have a ‘significant other’ in their lives. Somebody to encourage, listen, offer sympathy and so on. I told her how hard it is at times when you don’t have that positive influence in your life. She basically told me to get over it, that thousands of people have no-one and that if I needed encouragement I’d have to find a way to provide it myself. Easier said than done, even though I know she’s right.
I have been painting quite a lot recently as it gives me pleasure. The question now is what to do with the results. I’m working on a picture of David Tennant so it’s highly unlikely he’s going to want to buy it from me. I can’t even give it to him.
I’m still finding that if I HAVE to do a painting, i.e. somebody asks me for one, I tense up and the results aren’t good. I need to get over myself, and soon, or those hedges will go back up and I will end up getting two or three dogs and never be seen in public again….